| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2005|11:32 am] |
Its been a while since I've sat down at a computer and let my thoughts flow.... Lets see...Something I've been testing latly is to try and stop having expectations of any new situation.... Just another activity to potentially aid me in becoming a more peaceful individual.... Excersising this, I will ideally be able to appreciate whatever does come into my path.... I'm trying to break my common perceptions of things.... Not to hinder myself from any chance, or activity, or thing, or person.... Why should I limit the possibilities of my life just because of a certian conception I have about it? I'm stopping not to anaylze, or discect... Life is a contiuous motion, and now I live within that motion... Life isn't stopping to consider why it goes, or what its next action might cause, it just goes.... Its an innate idea or morality, of instinct that forces us on. Sometimes its interrupted by discetion... My mind is exhausted with theorizing about my life. I'd rather see, and live what I know. I feel comfortable enough in my own skin to do what I feel at any given moment, thats one of the greatest freedoms I've experienced in my 20 years of life. To be able to understand oneself, and ones motives, and then understand how silly they can be, helps us not take ourselves so seriously, and in turn, realize we're all in the same boat. I haven't really gained any new confidence in myself,its more just an understanding that perceptions don't matter, and only hinder... So, it therefore gives me comfort in situations dealing with people. I'm stepping on a path to some sort of comfortability that is unique to myself. I love seeing how other people are growing, and what gives them understanding... Expecially if its radically different from how I percieve things.....
There is probably no set answer... and even if there were an answer, it would deplete any growth, it would only do the opposite of what we expect... It would breed stagnation. Utopia is a myth. Its only plausible in the co-exsistence of chaos and war. The only way we realize we are real is to see something that we refect off of. Reflection is caused by opposition... This is why I think its silly that any sort of God character would try and defeat evil, Because, in the absence of Evil, God does not exsist. Its an intricate balancing act, the universe. I remember from my mescaline experience seeing the beauty in that opposition.... I felt all distractions had finally been silenced, and everything was seen, accepted, and understood... Even those things that I loathed had their place. I no longer hated them for I didn't harbor the ignorance to hate. I had the sence of acceptance that allowed me to see the beauty in everythings place... All the little relationships that made up this beautiful consistent mess... Regardless, Whatever I may think now could be totally and completly wrong... Learning isn't always about gathering factual information, It can be about testing your own ideas, and limits, and seeing what comes of that testing. I've been learning to go with the grain, not force. Whenever I try and force any outcome, it is always coupled with anxiety, or dissapointment. We can just learn little tricks to help us understand that its all very simple, and natural... And in the end, there probably isn't any answer we'd expect, its just a matter of accepting to see whats around us.
I guess thats it for now... |
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| event update. |
[Feb. 5th, 2005|12:44 am] |
recently, i've been so organized. its almost an out of body experience when i walk into my room or bathroom. its unfortunate that i had always thought i never had the audacity to keep myself in check long enough to be consistent. now, i'm afriad i'm becoming slightly o.c.d. but, not to the fullest extent (that being my mother who wipes down the front door on a daily basis)..... but... my room is clean, i can find all my clothes, and everything i need... as before, most of my life consistented of looking for things.....
i see this nature transfering over into other areas of my life as well.... whenever i had a dream, or goal before, i'd do what most of us do, wait to go to school it... and initially with this idea for organic fast food restaurant, i had the same instinct... but, steve snapped me right out of that... hes always telling me how "95% of people just talk, but, never really acomplish anything, so, speak with actions... don't wait to go to culinary school... experiement now.... whats stopping you?" so now, everyday i experiement with something new. and with each dish, i'm continually improving my skills ... working with different ingredients, documenting recipies, figuring out budgets.... its a relief to finally have something to work towards that i know could possibly make a radical difference in the way we eat. because honestly, there is nothing that we consume that is real... even unorganic vegetables are chocked full of pesticides, and when you eat them in comparison with organic, the taste difference is drastic.
my mom is baffeled by the drastic change..... she calls steve my angel. and, you know what i think it is....? he dosen't try and overcome it for me, he gives me such practical advice, and lets me do it on my own. like, when i leave a shirt on the floor, he just says something like "now... why are you leaving it there? you know, it would only be one more minute out of your schedule to just put it on a hanger, or throw it in the laundry basket... you need to just tell yourself to do it, and actually do it." once we overhauled my room... and organized everything, so, there was a system... its been alot eaiser for me to keep up with it i find. i've been doing it for two weeks now, and its still spotless. and if you know me at all, thats a miracle.
so..... those are the newest developments in my life.... i'm still trying to decipher this desire i've acknowledged that i have for women, and what it all really means. i thought once i experienced something with someone i did really care for, that a light would click, but, its only seemed to make it much more confusing for me. so, thats something thats on my plate. i'd also like to become closer to certian people, i'd really like to invest in the friendships i do have, and not just focus all my attention on one person.
and thats that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2005|11:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | familar trees | ] |
yesterday, at lake eola, i was laying in the sun, resting on the grassy peninsula, noticing the little amoebas in my eyes, and how when i squinted the light emmiting from the sun would seperate into all different basic colors when shone on the moisture in them. i just napped there for about an hour, listening to the birds flap their wings, and thinking about how they slap the sides of their bodies when they first take off, and if there are callouses there from it.... and wondering how they all can be so mindless, yet, know how to travel in a large group simeltaneously, and get travel effiently, always in a angle.
next to us, about 15 feet away, there was a couple, both shirtless, laying in the sun as well, and i remember thinking how most people would be appaled at the sight of a half nude woman in public, but, for some reason i found it quite beautiful.
i saw some birds the other day, gliding around so high in the air... i wondered if they are able to realize what a beautiful thing it is to be so free, of if they've just grown accustomed to it... and that maybe we often grow accustomed to the beauty that lies within our own lives. |
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| life flows on within you and without you |
[Jan. 28th, 2005|04:50 pm] |
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today i was cleaning my bathroom, and stumbled across a crumbled peice of paper, that was a printed out news report covering my friend dixie's sisters murder. . . it had been discussed, and hashed out so many times prior, that i felt i was entirely numb to it. . . but, for some reason, as i read this i began to cry unceasingly, and experience it all over again, as if it had never happened... but, from there. . .it turned from despair for her brutal death, to mourning for every tradgedy, for each person and their sorrows, for our poisionous society, for my own losses.... it was like i was finally able to fully open myself up to reality, and my only reaction was to sob. |
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| carved in some tree in kentucky theres a mark thats weathered like love. |
[Jan. 22nd, 2005|03:44 am] |
| [ | music |
| | band marino-i belong to you | ] |
its a mystery, some puzzel that looks as though its completed, i see a full idea in this picture. but yet, there is always a new excuse to trample it, blur out the concrete idea, and attempt at finding new meaning from this situation which i've touched from every angle, every emotion, seen in all lights a thousand lives over.
"nothing lasts forever. . ." why hope this lasts forever?
once i try to speak of this desire, it dissipates, for simple reason, and understanding of its pure idiocy. it it nullified in my mind, and it still rises, and then falls, and rises and falls. over and over again, as it has for the last five months. sometimes i think of time, and how its elapsed from then to now, and how i can properly gauge that space. it seems like an eternity, because of the distance of the memories in my mind, but, also a blink, due to how real it seems in dreams. but, evenso, to think of him, a trigger goes off in my mind, because i do know to the fullest extent, that he is in another century. in my lifetime, he has died. and i need to stop trying to prove that he is infact real, or i just need to stop reminding myself, perhaps. because, for some reason, it is still so strange for me to digest.
last night i felt displaced. for just a simple moment, that seemed to last hours, i had no idea who i was, or who this person was whom i was embracing, and it all seemed just so numb and unusual. i analyzed the situation, and thought, how this person here which i was holding feels like a stranger. who was this person? this tall, fit, charming man, with such a vacant yet active stare. . .not even a glimpse after these travels, i'm reaffirmed of my exsistence, and the beauty of what i'm beholding. but, yet, i still can't fit where these brisk moments place themselves in meaning. |
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| the day after. |
[Jan. 8th, 2005|01:52 pm] |
after concluding the party. . . seeing off the last two people this morning, after a gourmet meal, thanks to the grand-chef pete. i thought back on all the events of the evening prior, and smiled a huge genuine grin. i was at first leary of meshing friends groups. . but, after recieving so many comments like "all you're friends are just so wonderful". . or "so and so is just marvelous... i could really hang out with them." from just about everyone there. . it made me feel content. seeing my friends, laughing, and enjoying my other friends, was really worth it all. i am saddened that some people were dissapointed at the lack of dance, but, i really had no expectations when having this get together, whatever it ended up being, i would of been perfectly contented with. . and i feel that if the small handful of people that didn't have as much fun as everyone else would of had that similar mindframe when coming into it, it really would of heighten their experience. i just simply wanted everyone to get together, and meet, and just enjoy one another. and that was really it. should there really be anything more to a party?
i also remember during the party thinking how bizarre it was that there were so many people there. i mean once, i walked outside, and i saw 15 or more people just emerging from the streets. . .there must of been 30 or more people that make an apperance that night. . , and but, overall, i was glad at the abundance of people, and the diversity of the crowd at large. and, even though the alcohol ran out early on in the night. . the party wasn't focused around alcohol, or, even the ninties. . . it was people. so, honestly. . it dosen't phase me that we had to go buy cheap warm beer, and that the music wasn't so loud to where you couldn't hear other people talking. . because, those things don't really matter. . . i wanted it to be focused on people, and it was. and for that, i am glad, because sometimes, other things can be such distractions. not that dancing or drinking or listening to music are particularly bad at a party. . there're wonderful . . but, you dance, and drink, and listen to music, all to interact with other people.
so, in conclusion, i am pleased with the result of my first party. even though i found my mothers dildo hidden in the chip bowl . . and then within the wreath on the front door, and some of my mother's angel memoribila was broken on the front porch, and there are stickers that say random things like "tender moments" and "baby love" over everything. . and i now have a pair of fluffy duck slippers that someone happen to leave, and the flower on my back porch has been disembowled. . . amongst other things. . but. . . at least the "sex chair" is still intact. thats really all that matters. heh, but, i guess ya had to be there. |
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| the deeper the rabbit hole, the farther the light. |
[Jan. 4th, 2005|06:34 pm] |
i can't help but feel despair for the world at large. i need an alternative. seeking only brings upon harsh realizations, of the uselessness of a money driven society. . . everywhere i look, everything i touch, see, feel, smell, has been manufactured by some company, or someone, to gain profit, money. but, shouldn't profit be more than just green papers, so you can but nicer things, and gain a higher caste? why can't we be satisfied with the useful, as opposed to the fashionable? i find myself picking apart everything i see, finding something that links it to this disgusting society. i hate jingles, catchy little tunes that are engineered to stick in our heads so we'll buy some useless product, that it wasting our time and money even exsisting. like, television sets in cars, or in refridgerators. . . i hate my job. it even perpetuates this feeling of uselessness. i want to do something that will ultimatly benefit our world. putting movies back of shelves does nothing, and it drains the life out of me so much that i feel as though it physically weighs on me. i want to pack up everything i have, and go over seas to help those people whos lives were devastated by the tsunami. or do something productive. i feel dead continuing this job. i want to quit, but, what do i do then? i suppose i'll do what i can to get by for now, and put my focus in something useful when the time is allotted for it. whenever i go out and see advertisments littering our streets, and buisnesses crowding every square inch of our city, it makes me want to vomit. wouldn't it be wonderful if we all could live together, sustain ourselves. . . and our city be more revolved around community, rather than money? as oppossed to having 20 buisnesses in an area, have just a few. . . support a farmers market, the local economy. once i move out, i think i might only shop at farmer's markets, to try and do just that, support this beautiful local community. . . that my first step. other than moving out first.
sigh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2005|08:41 pm] |
i couldn't of had a better new years. jack and bryce know how to throw a party, and i absolutly loved playing bartender for the evening. who knew that there were so many different lauren-concoctions that were just waiting to be invented, and consumed? anyhow, the company was probably what made the evening its finest yet. birdie bird is such a lovely woman. . .sitting outside, picturing ourselves old and wrinkly, and making cat catapults, and giving one another ted nugies. . . talking about everything, that now just kind of all balls up into a semi-blurry mess of wonderful. and, dually noted, spooning inbetween birdie and jack was the best place to pass out.
i couldn't of asked for a better start. |
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| we pointed our fingers to the sky, and drew out our names. |
[Dec. 31st, 2004|03:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
i love people. people that genuinly enjoy eachothers company, without haboring any sort of hostility, and love is just everywhere. people can smile, and enjoy life. god damnit, i think erica is right, i'm becoming a hippy. well. . . if so, so be it.
tonight at i-bar, i had another strong sence of togetherness with those around me. i just really want to get the time to spend one on one with some of these people, because i find them all just so intresting. we all seem to know eachother, even if some of us don't know eachother all that well. . .regardless, we have this understanding, and community. that is just wonderful.
heres to another sappy rant post-event. |
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| when i think of heaven, deliver me in a black winged bird. . . i think of flying. |
[Dec. 30th, 2004|03:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  just a bit tipsy. | ] |
what a wonderful gathering, a great dynaermic of people, just getting together to enjoy life, and dancing, and communing with other people. god, i loved it. everyone was so friendly, and happy just to be in one anothers presence. people had no inhibitions, everyone was equal. i am glad to be able to spend time with those whom i haven't seen in a while, but, still maintain a great relationship with. latly i've been trying to become closer with those whom i really care about, like, i'm making it a point to call people weekly, just to see how they're doing. and i just love being able to be there for them when they need to vent, because everyone does.
life is really cherishable. like, today, i had an awful day at work, but i walked home, listening to the counting crows, and just stared up at the sky, and was able to smile, at this beauty of creation, and swelling life that surrounded me, such beauty that i just couldn't react to anyother way that smiling, and enjoying its presence as much as possible. music has such a proufound effect on me at times, it can be so much more effective than any perscription drug, or drug in general. i am just so incredibally content. having these wonderful friends, enjoying this miraculous life, that even during these difficult times, we have such hope for the future. like, having people around that know that the worst times, are our best. . . happiest moments. god, i will be forever thankfull for him dropping me off he that fateful day. otherwise, my life would never be the same.
i love everyone right now. even him. even you.
i want this moment to last for a while. or at least be able to look back at this feeling, and know that it is possible even in the bleakest of times. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2004|03:00 pm] |
i hate this idea of "the one". . . it seems so rediculously prevelant in everyones mindframe... . . but, why is this? its just another vice for comfort, as is alot in our society, religion, reliance on perscription drugs, apathy. . . there have been so many annoyances that i just can't stomach any longer. instead of this idea of a singular person exsisting to mesh with one other specific individual, and that their lives are only complete with one another, just delivers this epedemic of heartache and drama, that is entirely unecessary, and stupid. when people have this idea embedded in their conciousness at a young age, we begin a search, and due to our lack of experience, we are going to assume that anything that feels right, or even feels positive in a relationship, is just supporting the idea that this person could in fact be "the one". . . but, in the majority of cases, they are aren't. love has become so twisted, and dependent over the years, that we, in our narrow, and closedmindedness, can't even begin to define the word.
i see evidences of this everyday. . . even in my own life. people fall in love, say their "i love you"s and "forever"s. . . without even knowing what kind of repurcussions it might have. . . i think society is to blame, as i stated earlier. but, from here. . . where do we go? what is this 'perfect relationship'. . . well, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, nor is there some kind of formula, or program. but, what i have realized, in my many years of dating experience, and dating faliure, a couple of things. . . one, nothing should ever be exagerated, even in the slightest... people need to begin to appreciate what they have, rather than appreciating the possibility of what they desire to have. rather than spouting off the i love you. . . we all need to throw away our pre-dispositions, and say what we do know.
"i enjoy your company" "you really help me learn alot about myself"
yes, this dosen't follow the typical type of relationship where you find yourselves enveloped in one another, blubbering on about the perfection of one another and blah blah blah... but, why talk like that if we all know its really a lie? if we weren't so conditioned to hearing these elaborate beautiful exagerations, then perhaps we would be able to fully appreciate the simplicity of statements of truth.
another thing. . . why does there have to be boundaries in a relationship? if you really think about it. . . its all for fear sake. fear of loss. its to comfort you in knowing that that person will be there, and not desert you. . . but, it happens all the time regardless. so, perhaps if we were to establish stronger understanding of one another, and more open communication, this wouldn't happen. let me explain. you can be with someone, and really enjoy their company, and grow quite close with this individual. but, if you two begin to grow apart, why would you stifen either of your futures by attempting to hold true to these boundaries that you set prior? why not be able to love that person enough to be able to encourage them to do whatever is best for their lives, and be understanding enough to know when that future might be best without your hand in it romantically. if this were understood, we'd have much better break-ups, and people would be able to move on in their lives, and keep in close contact with those they once were so close with, and be able to accept their encouragement, or advice, or just chit-chat. relationship's past and relationships' present would be much more civil.
but, this is idealistic. . . i know that relationships aren't something that can always be rational, and level-headed. but, its worth considering for future reference i suppose. . . .
i'm also tired of certian people (specifically my mother) who jump to conclusions about the nature of steve and i's relationship. . . and i can certianally say, that its been on of the greatest learning experiences of my life, and i can state that whole heartedly. due to my past being so relationship-centered. . . to have a relationship that isn't relationship centered has seemed to throw my whole idea of the relationship off course, but, to a certian positive light. learning how to keep myself in balance with the world around me, and my keep personal goals in mind, without allowing any outside interferences to detract my attention, or be used as propaganda. its really so wonderful, but, yet, still so difficult to grow accustomed too. we still have the nature of dating relationship, we spend time together, can be affectionate with the time calls for it, we have this understanding of one another, and a strong sence of togetherness, yet, we are always still seperate... which allows us never to become to infatuated with one another. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2004|05:48 pm] |
if only people would be able to leap into this frame of mind for a minutes time, and not jump to all of these silly assumptions about my motives. . . or life in general. . . . i'm so disheartened, but, theres nothing i can do but continue to move along, and try my best to live my life as a see fit. to some, i may be considered a screw-up. . . i may be seen as "creating my own misery" or "picking open wounds" and "bellyaching". . . to some, this break-up should be something that is easily recovered, but, its not. . . and no one can fully understand why, except for me. . .and if only i could open peoples eyes just for a moment, and help them clearly see that i have no underlying schemes to gain pity from others, or fake this depression for attention, or for anything that matter. . . this is simply not the case. . .
i am in the process of becoming an entirely different individual, and i'm having growing pains. i no longer have faith to lean on, so, i'm almost having to stand on my own two feet for the first time. . . i do not want sympathy. . . and i have been annoying, i know, because this cory thing has gone on too long, and its plan absurd. so, for everyones sake, i'll just stop talking about it to those who find it a nuisance. . .
i care about my friends. . . and i never wanted my intentions to come off as though i only want to see people when i want a ride, or want to vent. . . i want to see them because i care about them. . . and this misconception has driven them farther, which only seems to drive this discontent farther, and its just a vicious cycle. . . so, i'm going to kick myself out of this rut, and become a normal human being again. . . or, at least i'll try my best. . . but, i find that silly, almost. . . to try and conform myself to this different person, or hide my struggles in order to be considered "tolerable" to other people. . . i still have had friends stick by me during this, and still enjoy my company, so, its not as if i'm some awful burden. . . maybe if people just swallowed their impressions just for a bit, and took the time to actually spend time with me, and make their assumptions grounded, or just be able to have the first hand experience in order to make a clear idea about me, they'd realize that this all isn't as bad as their making it out to be. . . .
i know i've been a pain. but, everyone goes through their down times, mine is just a little longer than normal. . . and its not because i've swallowed myself with it, its because i'm trying to allow myself to fully greive now, so, it'll be over sooner. . . and so i'll be completly recovered by the time this is over. . . .and i feel that time coming on quite soon.
but, all in all, i'm glad this is happening, because its helping me learn alot about relationships in general, and hopefully, after this is over, i'll be able to see fully what makes a friendship work, and how both parties play in that . . . and what i can do to better myself, and how others could do the same as well. . . . |
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| waterfall: nature's urinal. |
[Dec. 17th, 2004|11:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
the last 48 hours have played themselves out thusly.
wednesday around 4 am, after only 3 hours of sleep, i, utilizing steves car, drop him off at the airport. . .come home, attempt to sleep, but, for some reason, am not able to. . . then, work a ten hour day, go home, (all the while consuming as much caffinee as humanly concivable). . so, you could imagine, i wasn't even myself, i was a product of this enegry altering substance, and it became me. then, went downtown to frequent the independent. . the lovely stephanie came and picked me up, accompanied with alina, and kevin. great people. i can't stress that enough. so, we get there, i had a marvelous time. met up with alot of people whom i haven't seen in a while. travis shows up out of nowhere, and i just about wet myself with glee. brian, cory's friend, whom i still find to be enjoyable company regardless of the circumstances, was there. . amongst others, and i also met a couple new friends, one in particular, this guy derek, who seems to share similar ideas about the dillusion of love, and marriage, and society's intense hand in thus. and we just had great conversation for a while, and it was defiently a nice experience. also, mostly, because i don't expect, nor want any kind of "dating relationship" to come of it, at all. i want to converse with people, and experience things with them, and have fun, but, without having the stress of romance, or grandious emotions. i'm looking forward to spending time with these new people, in group, and non-group settings. anyhow.
i get home around 4ish, pass out, and then, james and james come and knock on my door around 8 oclock, and they tell me that they are taking me to busch gardens, and that i have no choice in the matter. so, i kick myself awake, we make the trip out there, and have a just amazing, a little derranged, but, altogether enjoyable day. due to the lack of sleep i was feeling as though i was high, or something, and there was no censor on this crazy mouth of mine. i kept muttering really weird things like "i wonder what christmas music would sound like on qualudes" or "lets do our buisness in the bathroom, as in, lets dress up in corporate attire, breifcase and all, and take calls from the comfort of the bathroom stall". . .(and so went the conversation for the rest of the day) and once i even said something about anus ingus, but, that all was kind of fuzzy. but, those two are crazy enough to aid me externalize this odd side of me. (well, odder than the most) so. here i am, i am tired. and now i rest. goodbye. |
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| sweet home independent |
[Dec. 9th, 2004|11:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
here, after a month of seclusion, i emerge from my personal habitat, and go to shake my assets amongst other well dressed, hopping teenagers. . . regardless of if i have to be up at eight tommorow, and open the store, social time, in this certian perdiciment, is much more essential then a good nights rest. . . that can certianally wait. and, i am giddy like a schoolgirl once again, well, moreso a slightly dazed, and underslept schoolgirl, with a funky scarf.
yes. this is going to be all kinds of good. |
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| the microphones- mt eerie |
[Nov. 14th, 2004|05:11 am] |
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right now, i'm nearly speechless. this album was entirely beyond my expectations. at times it pushed you just up to the cliff, to your personal breaking point, but, once you hold in there for just a minute longer, its made up far beyond what you ever thought was possible. i've never listened to an album that was created to spark my anxiety, and anger one second, but then win me back overwhelmingly a few minutes later, and shoot me back and forth through emotions, and uneasiness, and beauty, and life. thats what mt. eerie is, its similar to the motions we go through in life, in desperation, in ease. its probably one of the most effective works of art i've ever encountered. when the last track started playing, the brillance of the entire album and everything i was experiencing took over my sences, and i could hardly breath, my heart was beating at a million miles a minute and i wanted to scream, and cry, and laugh, all simultaneously. |
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| throwing in my internet towel. |
[Nov. 2nd, 2004|05:08 pm] |
i think i'm done with livejournal, for now at least.
it is just so impersonal, and it seems to cheapen the real relationships that we actually have.
because, when you vent all these things to the world, getting to know someone dosen't become a challenge so much anymore... and it being used as a vice to communicate things to certian people, and stir up drama, is just rediculous.
right now, i don't think this internet life is working out for me.
it was through livejournal and myspace where i found out alot of things having to do with cory, and i, and its because of livejournal, and myspace that we had so much drama, and tension. so. i'm through.
i think life outide the confines of this comfortable space are calling me.
i want to spend time with real people, instead of just reading what they put out to the world, and making a comment on it. i'm tired of putting on a show. even if i am being genuine in what i say and do. . . its still automatically going to come out censored...this lifestyle i've been living is self-consuming. and we're all feeding into it. who knows the most people on myspace? who has the coolest profile? whos the hottest? its really all bullshit.
i really get to know about .5 percent of the people i claim to "know" on both of these sites.
so, this is my resignation.
if i post anything, it'll be very few and far between. and, i would continue posting to myself, but, someone has the ability to hack into my livejournal and read my protected entries.... so, i'll just post to my close friends every now and then....also, i'm not condeming anyone else for using livejournal or myspace, or anything similar, i mean, hell, i've been a complete junkie for the past couple of years, i'm just saying that right now, its not for me.
so, if any of you really want to hang out, and get to know eachother outside the boundaries of this internet-space, just let me know. you can comment on this, and i'll give you my number. okay, cool. :).
so, adieu livejournal!
so, adieu livejournal! |
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| *post-stress sigh* |
[Nov. 2nd, 2004|03:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
so, its completly and entirely over.
we had a great run, for whatever it was worth, and i can honestly say that i've never had a better time in a relationship, but, now its time to move on... its called the slow fade of love... or just life really.
i feel relieved.
not bitter, or resentful. . . just content.
i'm finished anaylzing the situation, and worrying about it, i'm going to move forward, and persue life.
first... with voting. |
|
|
| there was a time where my life was a movie, but now you're gone, and i just have to keep moving on. |
[Nov. 2nd, 2004|02:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | grateful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the microphones- i can't believe you actually died | ] |
i feel like i have just had 30 pounds of burden just lifted from my body.
i am so incredibally relieved.
on the phone i just about started to cry, because i am honestly just so grateful for such amazing people in my life. its better than i could of ever imagined. and i'm so glad that all these little misconceptions were dealt with... i'm hoping to be able to have john for a friend for a very long time.
i look forward to spending this time shaping my character, and continue on my way to self-discovery.
there hasn't been a time where i haven't been single in a while... so, this'll be good for me.
in this moment, i am content. |
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peanutsforeno's journal
